As a young girl, my dream was to always be a mom. Growing up I would dream about what my family would be like. Who I would marry, how many kids I would have, what their names would be, what kind of house I’d live in.

I remember in elementary school playing MASH or MARSH, you know the game where you listed out your top 3 boys you liked, where you wanted to live, what career you and your spouse would have, what kind of car you would drive and a few other ‘super important’ topics I can’t think of at the moment. 😁

Of course the pretend life you wish you had on paper isn’t always the life sought out for you, I’m so thankful my life was never chosen by telling someone to “stop” drawing tally marks on a paper to start crossing off what I thought would be my future husband, number of kids, kid’s names, my career and so on.

Because I’ve pieced together a pretty great life myself. I’ve been able to work doing something I enjoyed, quit work, have kids, stay at home with my children, enjoy things I love doing, marry my best friend, travel, move to places I never imagined myself living, experience the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.

All in all, I was meant to be a mom. I never was for sure how many children I wanted. I guess it’s something you don’t necessarily plan. At one point Brent and I said we wanted four kids, then we said three. I’ll never forget when I was pregnant with Graysie and just a few months after Grayson passed I was sitting outside on my moms back porch having a little moment. Brent walked outside and sat beside me and he asked me how many kids I wanted. I think it was something on both of our minds. I said well we always agreed on 3. He said 3 including Grayson or three here on Earth with us. And I remember thinking I have no clue because I never thought we would be in a position where I would have to think about that.

Earlier this week I was talking to one of my sister in laws about how I have been anxious for this moment of having children as siblings for a long time. Grayson was going to be a big brother and I was so excited for that moment to raise two kids together. And unfortunately it never got to happen. The past few weeks I have been experiencing anxiety for a variety of reasons and one of them is knowing soon, I will get to see my daughter become a big sister and I will have two children here Earth-side with me. Something I’ve dreamed about.

Earlier today Brent and I were in conversation and he said I’m excited to finally have two children here with us. He said it’s saddened me all this time knowing we should already have two here and we don’t. He said it will be fun to see them interact and be siblings together. It’s just crazy that although neither of us mentioned this to one another for some time it has been on both of our minds, and we both have those same feelings when it comes to our children.

Losing a child brings about a crazy amount of emotions. You have to learn to sort your emotions and know when to allow yourself to be happy and allow yourself the time to be sad. And it’s normal to be both at the same time. One may not think it’s possible to be both at once, but it truly is. Like bringing a new baby into the world. It brings so much happiness, but an overwhelming feeling of sadness when you know your family isn’t complete when you are missing someone so very special.

Soon our family will be a family of 5. Physically in person we will be a party of 4, but in our hearts we will always know the real number.