I sit here, November 14th, the evening prior to the three month mark of my son’s passing almost speechless. The only sound you would hear is the sniffling of my nose running caused from the tears that have been falling down my cheeks. What you can’t hear or see is the tightening in my chest and shoulder blades, the ache in my belly and the pain in my heart. Three months. It still doesn’t seem real just as it didn’t seem real a month ago or two months ago. The days have gotten increasingly harder, the tears come more often, and falling asleep is still a job. Add in pregnancy hormones and trying to care for your baby and body while grieving loss and you have a huge whirlwind of emotions.
Everyday I still wake up and wonder how the heck I’m even surviving. I wake up at whatever time my body tells me to wake up. Today I woke up at 11:45am and when I sat up in bed I thought to myself what do I have to do to get through this day. See if Grayson was still here with me today I would have been up roughly four hours prior getting him breakfast and watching some cartoons, many of you would have been getting your children ready for school and most heading off to work; with goals in mind of just finishing your day and getting home to spend the evening with your children, cooking dinner, doing homework, giving baths and winding down before bed. For me, I now wake up and find things to consume time throughout my day. Things to keep my mind occupied just to get through the day only to start it over again. I don’t physically have a child here to parent like I had for the previous two years. I’ve had what will be a long five months before I meet my daughter, my little Graysie, whom I hope will help fill our hearts with so much love to help heal the part of me that’s missing. I’ll never be healed, but I hope one day she realizes how much she has been needed in our lives. How special and loved she will be just as her big brother.
Sometimes I have so much on my mind that I want to write about, but once I start to write my mind goes elsewhere. I don’t know how many people truly read my blog even if no one reads it, I’d be okay with it. I created this blog for my children and I to be able to look back on one day at stories and adventures we have taken through their lives. It’s a place for me to write and share pictures of anything I want. A safe place for me to open my mind and ramble in any order I want, even if it doesn’t make sense to anyone else.
As I start this new normal of my life I hope that my thoughts reach others who may be experiencing the same pain, heartache and loss. There are many people who are traveling the same road as me, some who have traveled longer than me, some shorter; some of which aren’t as open which is okay, because in this grieving process there is no right or wrong way to grieve, there’s no time limit, there’s simply no rules. You grieve how you want to grieve whether that be silent or verbal. For me, writing out my feelings helps my grieving in some way. If one parent, grandparent, aunt or uncle, sibling or cousin reads my blog and is able to relate to it in some way and share with someone they love in terms of it helping them in their grieving process then writing this isn’t only for myself.
Many people have followed my story and my life after losing Grayson. It’s been the longest three months of my entire life. The hardest, most gut wrenching, tear-filled three months I’ve ever had to endure. Three of the longest months I should have never had to experience. That no one should ever have to experience. I know I’ve said this in other posts, but no one tells you how life will be or how exactly it will change after the loss of a child. It’s changed me, it’s changed my husband and it has changed our family.
Now we are learning to survive this grieving process which is now a part of our lives. Losing a child was never something either of us had planned. It was never something we thought would happen to us. We are only 25 and 26 and we aren’t supposed to be experiencing the pain that we are right now. Some days we put smiles on our faces to get through the day other days spent crying and questioning everything that comes to mind. We grieve differently, we may share the same thoughts some in which we share with each other and others we keep to ourselves. Loss, specifically for us, child loss, changes life’s order of events in how you live. It changes your life completely. The way you live, the way you love, the way you make decisions, every second of every day is changed. Divorce, it’s something that has never been on our radar, child loss however changes things for some parents.
It takes strong people to make it through the pain and grief of living a new life without your child. We have a long road ahead of us. With our own saving Grace to look forward to. We will never give up on each other. One difficult part of grieving is you wish you could always have your good days on the same days and your bad days on the same days. But there will be many days where one of us may be having a decent day and one of us a bad day. There will be many days we just hope to get through. I thank Brent for loving me at my worst because the past few months have changed me. I’m not the same person he fell in love with. I’m not the same woman he married. And I’m not the same person I was even three months ago. I pray for us everyday and I thank God for giving me Brent to go through life with because I don’t know if I’d be able to make it with anyone else. I pray that as a team he and I can be even better people than we have been and that we can make a difference and change lives.
If you’ve made it this far into this post you will one see that I started it out as, “I sit here, November 14th…it’s now November 15th and I’ve been writing this since 11pm on the 14th. And if you follow me on Facebook you will have seen that I shared the above paragraphs on my page a week ago, but I wanted to add them in here so I wouldn’t forget those words. Writing about someone you love so much you, you would think would be so easy. Sometimes though finding the right words is harder than you think.
I wanted to share a few words that Brent said to me one day after I told him I was having a rough day. I told him I had watched a video of him and Grayson and after I watched it I felt like I had been stabbed in the heart. Grayson was here with us for two years, it’s sometimes hard to look at pictures, and watch videos especially. You’d think it’d be easy and something that we shouldn’t even have to question, but I learned in counseling that many parents often go through these same feelings where it’s hard to look at pictures and videos. Like Brent said to me,
“You have to train yourself to be happy while watching. It’s like training to run, who really likes to run, but when you train yourself to believe it feels good, then you like it.”
Some may not understand his words exactly, but it’s true. There are times I want to watch a video, but at that specific time I can’t. I have to tell myself okay, I’ll watch it later cause I know later I’ll smile when I watch it, but if I watch it now I’ll be so upset I won’t enjoy watching it and then my stomach will hurt and anxiety will kick in. It’s all a part of this crazy grieving process.They say right now is hard and it will always be hard, but as we begin this next months journey I only hope Brent and I can continue to find our way through and keep running this journey together.
As the Holidays approach and more feelings hit us that we have never had to encounter yet before in our lives, I pray we get through this season of change as strong as we have been thus far. I know the next few weeks and months won’t be easy, but together we will survive this grief because we were without a doubt made to be parents and we will cherish Grayson all of our lives. We just get to parent a few different ways now. We get the privilege to parent an Angel in Heaven.