What I am currently dealing with in life, is something I never thought I’d be dealing with at the age of 25. It’s been hard to find words to explain my feelings, my emotions, and my thoughts, and I have come to realize there are no words for any of it. I keep asking myself if there is a certain way I should be grieving? Am I doing it right? Am I doing it wrong? Should I be crying more? Should I be crying less? Should I be smiling more? Should I be smiling less? I know they say there is no timeline to getting over how I feel. Which for me I know I will never get over it. For the rest of my life I will have memories that linger in my mind. I will visit stores and restaurants and go places that bring back fond memories of my time with Grayson.
What I’m struggling with still is the sense of emptiness my heart and body feels. It’s an indescribable feeling that I am sure many others have felt before. I can’t tell you what that emptiness for them feels like, but for me I almost feel as if my body is physically there, but my mind and soul are somewhere else. I feel like since everything has happened my brain has not shut off. My mind is constantly racing and asking questions, replaying memories, thinking about what I should be doing and what I need to be doing and how I am going to keep moving on. It doesn’t stop.
I never thought at this point in my life, at 25, I would have had to plan my child’s celebration of life. I never thought I’d be picking out where not only my child would be buried, but where myself and my husband would be buried. There are hundreds of people older than us that have never even thought about things like this and here we are purchasing grave spots.
I will always remember sitting around my moms dinning room table planning this beautiful celebration. I remember the heaviness I felt in my chest and the tears I did cry. I remember looking at Brent as he choked up and tears rolling down his face asking him what he liked and didn’t like and figuring out the littlest details that we wanted. I wanted things to be different. I wanted things to be big and better than ever. If you know me I like to go above and beyond. As a mom, one thing I always wanted was to have the most amazing birthdays and holidays for my child. You only get one of each holiday every year and I wanted each one to be special and memorable.
And Grayson’s celebration of life was going to be no different. I wanted big flowers, I wanted all of his things there, I wanted more than the little white “In memory” cards. I wanted people to be able to take a piece of Grayson with them. I never thought of it this way, but once my mom mentioned it, it made my drive for things to be even more perfect stronger. She said, “We want this to be the biggest and best celebration of life for Grayson. This is one big party for him. This is his first day of school, his graduation, his wedding day, his birthdays, his holidays, it’s everything.” Of course we will still celebrate his birthdays and holidays and all those major firsts in his life physically, but we wanted this to be big for him, because well that’s just how his momma is.
I remember once everything was over, Brent and I were talking and he was like you were so at ease when we sat at that table planning all of this for Grayson. I said I did kind of feel at ease at that time. I don’t know why I felt that way. I was hurting so incredibly bad on the inside, but I was at ease as I told Bill, the funeral director, exactly what I wanted for my Grayson. Brent kept saying you were so strong while I was hurting. And I told him, I just knew I wanted this to be the most perfect celebration of Grayson’s life. He was our perfect little boy and we were not giving him anything less.
Through these days of planning, I would often find myself wondering outside looking into the sky and asking God, why? I would find myself on the couch or laying in bed asking, why? I keep thinking back to when I was in that consultation room across the hall from Grayson’s ICU room, dry heaving in the trash can thinking why God, why. Don’t do this to me. You’re God, your supposed to be good, God. I think back to that time I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs in that little room, instead I kicked a trash can so hard it flipped across the room. Why was God failing me. I don’t go to church on Sundays, but I believe in God and I pray every night. I had told Brent even a few weeks ago. I said I don’t know if you know this, but I pray every night. Every night as Grayson laid beside me sleeping and before I would go to sleep I would grab his hand and pray and then kiss him three times.
This past Saturday night, I went outside on the porch and sat there and cried. I kept trying to ask God why. I watched the tears hit the porch leaving wet spots. I asked God if I did something wrong. I asked him why he would do this to me and my family. Why not to someone else. Why did he pick Grayson. Why didn’t he give me some sort of sign that I only had a little time left with him? I wasn’t prepared to leave my child this early. It’s not like we knew his time was limited or we could prepare ourselves for the worse. He didn’t have a sickness that we knew we needed to prepare ourselves for the worse. We had days, and we didn’t even know that. Why couldn’t God have given me a warning. Not that my heart would have taken it any different, whether I had 50 years to prepare or 6 days.
I know God is listening to me and He’s here and He sees me hurting. I know He heard me say some mean things that first week. Mean things I said to Him. That talk I recently had with Him on the front porch won’t be the last. It won’t be the last mean or hateful thing He hears from me. I’m just being honest. Because that is what He wants right? For us to be honest to Him and ourselves. I hope he knows just how much hurt and sadness and numbing pain He has put into my heart and soul.
But.. I hope He knows I’m strong. I will get through this. Grayson has a sibling coming that I must be strong for. We have the best guardian Angel out there, so I know I will make it. I know my life will never be the same. I will always have an emptiness inside me. But I must keep telling myself that my son is one of the best things to ever happen to me. I will always have a part of him with me. Every step I take, every move I make, every place I visit, he is with me. And until we meet again, a part of me is with him in heaven.