Memories I’ll Never Get to Experience

The last week has been extremely hard on me. This past Monday marked 3 weeks since Grayson left us. Three weeks. 21 days. For a child that spent every single day of his life with me I thought going one one day without him would be hard, try 23 days. I can’t image what I will feel like when we hit 60 days, or 180 days or 1 year. The pain hurts so bad I can’t even explain it.

Grieving the loss of a child is the hardest thing in the entire world. Everyday I think to myself how in the world will I get through the day. Then I start to think ahead and wonder how I will get through the weeks and months and years. I see a picture of Grayson and I cry. I hear his name and I do everything I can to hold back the tears. I watch a video of him and tears start to stream down my face.

Lately I have found myself looking into the future when everyday I am slowly trying to get through the minutes and the hours. Thinking into the future makes my heart hurt more than I thought. I have found myself thinking about what I will miss with Grayson. All of the firsts I was so excited to get to share with him are now memories I will never get to experience.

His birthday parties, first day of preschool, kindergarten, middle school, and high school, his first job, his high school and college graduation, and his wedding day. I’ll never get to dress him cute for his school picture days and have that special mother son dance at his wedding. I’ll miss sending him off on his first date or trip to the prom. I’m miss being there to see his dad teach him how to drive for the first time.

These are memories I am aching to have on the inside, but know I will only get to truly experience in my head. We will still celebrate Grayson all of our lives, but to physically not have him here with us to enjoy these leaves a huge hole in my heart.

Our life was still so full of adventures we had planned to share with Grayson and his siblings. We had so many places we wanted to take him. We wanted to show him the world and let him know there are endless possibilities out there.

Everyday I look at pictures of him and ask myself why Grayson? He was the absolute perfect child in the world. Why him? Why us? He was so healthy and happy. Just a 2 year old boy with no idea what the future holds. He loved life. Smiled everyday.

I now will always wonder what he would have been. Where he would have went to college. What he would decide to do for a career. Who he’d marry. Where he’d live. If he would still be as close to his mommy as he was at the age of 2.

It sucks to know these are memories I know I will never get to have. Every year I’ll see parents post pictures of kids the same age as Grayson starting their first tee ball game and those first day of schools pictures, and with Grayson I won’t have that.

Sometimes things in life, like losing a child, really sucks the life out of you. I will miss not being able to show him his little sister. I was so excited for Grayson to be the best big brother, he still is the best big brother, but I knew he would be so excited to help hold her and give her kisses. My heart aches knowing he won’t be here the day we go into the hospital to have his sweet little sister. I know he will be here in our hearts and he will guide us through our life, it just hurts so bad that he’s not here to experience this next journey in life with us.

Take hundreds of pictures of your kids and loved ones. Cherish every second you get with those you love, never take a minute in life for granted because you’re never promised tomorrow. Forgive and forget, don’t hold grudges, smile and laugh, and tell those who mean the most to you how much you love them.

I wanted to link this song for you to listen to. My mom and brother danced to this at my brother’s wedding for their mother son dance and the first time my mom showed me this song, I couldn’t help but cry because it made me think of my relationship with Grayson and how I would do anything in the entire world to be the one for him.

 

 

 

Reed Robertson-I’ll Be The One

From the setting sun
to the breaking dawn
And through the darkness
though the night is long
If you ever need somebody
I’ll be the one

And if you lose your way
and you can’t hold on
I’ll be right beside you
take my outstreched arm
If you ever need somebody
I’ll be the one

And I’ll live my life for you
I’ll fight for you
I’ll die for you
It’s me and you
no matter what may come
And I’ll walk through fire for you
if you want me to
I’ll swear it’s true
You can call me crazy
but I call it love
If you ever need somebody
I’ll be the one

Every waking hour
every sleepless night
just call my name and
I’ll be by your side
If you ever need somebody
I’ll be the one

And I’ll live my life for you
I’ll fight for you
I’ll die for you
It’s me and you
no matter what may come

And I’ll walk through fire for you
if you want me to
I’ll swear it’s true
You can call me crazy
but I call it love
If you ever need somebody
I’ll be the one

Just take me as I am
and love will be our all
So won’t you hold my hand
and together we will fall

And I’ll live my life for you
I’ll fight for you
I’ll die for you
It’s me and you
no matter what may come
And I’ll walk through fire for you
if you want me to
I’ll swear it’s true
You can call me crazy
but I just call it love

And I’ll live my life for you
I’ll fight for you
I’ll die for you
It’s me and you
no matter what may come

I’ll walk through fire for you
if you want me to
I’ll swear it’s true
You can call me crazy
but I just call it love

If you ever need somebody
I’ll be the one

6 thoughts on “Memories I’ll Never Get to Experience

  1. Dear Kayla, my heart breaks for you and your family. Somehow, and I imagine it will be beautiful, because that is what you and your family are, you will find a way to move though the unimaginable pain. You have shown such incredible strenghth and grace and you are helping more people than you will ever know as you educate others and share. Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.

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  2. Loosing a child at any age is just as you described. At 42 my son died from pulmonary embolisms. I think back on what you won’t experience. I did. But it doesn’t hurt any less. My son was always there to help anytime needed, for anyone. He served in the military, in Iraq. He has a daughter, he never met. I miss him terribly. It has been a year.

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    1. Nancy, I’m so sorry you’ve lost your son. My son too is serving in the military so a constant worry. Please know that others care but it doesn’t take away the pain you feel and live with.. He will always be in your heart.❤️

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  3. I can’t help to cry as I read your story, thoughts, feelings of pain. Can’t begin to imagine the pain your feeling as you go threw everyday. There is one thing though you where the world to Grayson, as he was to you. God will help you get threw everyday, to move forward along with show you that Grayson is still with you and watching. I am so so sorry for your loss.

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  4. My heart breaks for you. I have a little boy who is also 2 and I’m a single mom so you could only imagine our bond. I couldn’t imagine losing him I can’t imagine the pain you are experiencing right now. I hope some how your little girl will bring happiness back into your life. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband

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