Yesterday marked one month since my little Grayson left us. It has been the absolute hardest month of my entire life. Everyday that goes by still almost feels as if I’m living a dream. I wake up everyday and pray that I will make it to the end of the day and that until the night ends I see signs of Grayson around me. I have found myself stopping more and looking around me trying to find signs in nature and in my everyday life that he is here.
Every morning I wake up, look at my phone for any messages, check those Facebook memories that pop up every morning, I sit in bed and cry for awhile, then I walk over to a picture of Grayson that sits on my husband’s nightstand that sits perfectly in his bear, Apple’s, lap. I squat down and talk to Grayson every morning right there. I rub my fingers across the picture as if I were touching his sweet face and when I’m done I kiss it three times. Every night when Grayson would fall asleep I would hold his little hand and say a prayer then give him 3 kisses.
When someone passes, this is for me anyway, you truly stop to appreciate all the little things in life that meant so much to you. What hit me to write this blog post was breakfast this morning. I used to never be a breakfast person until I found out I was pregnant with Grayson. When pregnant you want good balanced meals and of course breakfast is your best meal of the day. My husband was always there to ask me if I ate breakfast and to make sure I drank a glass of orange juice. Brent always teased that some of Grayson’s smartness was because of how well he was nourished in the womb and how I was sure to drink that glass of orange juice every morning, and did I mention I’ve never been a fan of orange juice? But I still drank it because I wanted a healthy nourished baby.
When Grayson was finally able to eat solid foods, I always made it my goal to give him the best foods. I wanted to be that mom that made him awesome meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I was a stay at home mom so I felt that was part of my job.
Grayson and I had a routine down. On the days he slept in a little and didn’t wake up at the crack of dawn with his dad, he would wake up and look at me and say “drank”. So we would get up and go downstairs to get breakfast. Grayson loved orange juice and thats typically what he asked for to drink in the morning. I would always say, ‘bubby what do you want for breakfast,” and he would respond, “egg.” He was getting to the point where if you asked him what he wanted for lunch or dinner he would respond, “egg,” then giggle because evertyime he would say egg I would say, “nooo, eggs are for breakfast.” He always thought that was the funniest thing.
No matter what I would make him he would eat well. He and I would either sit at the kitchen table together or we’d make our way into the living room and sit at the coffee table while he sat in his rocker to eat asking to watch “Micka Mouse.” He was just starting to sing the theme song to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and it was so stinking cute. “Micka Mouse Cubhouse come inside it’s fun inside” sometimes you couldn’t always understand the come inside it’s fun inside, but I knew exactly what he was saying.
This morning at breakfast it hit me.
I made a bowl of Lucky Charms cereal and sat at the kitchen table by myself to eat. There was no one there saying “more berry” or “more oran juice”. There was no Mickey Mouse playing in the background. It was just me, sitting in silence with tears streaming down my face. Life isn’t the same as it was a month ago.
Brent and I were driving the other day and Brent said, I hope when Graysie gets here and I hold her it will help heal my heart some. He said we are parents and we are supposed to have a child here with us right now and we don’t. I said know I think the same thing often. I told him it’s hard for me because you have someone with you everyday of your life for two years, your child. Then one day they aren’t here and you’re just supposed to pick up the pieces of your life and go on. He said I hope I can see some of Grayson in Graysie, and I said I am sure we will.
It’s the littlest things in life that truly hurt the most when thinking about them, like breakfast. For some it may just be a piece of their morning that comes and goes as parents rush off to work and kids get ready to catch the bus. But for me now, those are memories that I wish I could have back. I’ll have them in my heart, always. And when Graysie is ready to start that morning breakfast routine I hope I can make it just as special for her.
So as you wake up and start your days and sometimes feel rushed or running late. Stop and take a moment. Every morning you wake up you’re creating a new days worth of memories. Don’t let the littlest of memories pass your mind. Take in every second of everyday.
It’s taken me Grayson to realize that there’s no timeline on life. There’s no need to rush, if your running late whomever or whatever will still be there, and if they aren’t so be it. When you ask your children their favorite memories, you might be surprised to find out it’s a memory you didn’t think they would remember or one that didn’t mean as much to you as a parent, but to them meant the world. Make more smaller memories in life, those are the ones that truly leave their mark on the heart.
Until Graysie gets here, we will continue and we will always continue to reflect on the memories we had with Grayson and begin new ones with her. I can’t wait to share all of the amazing memories we had made with Grayson with his little sister, even the littlest of memories because those are the ones I’m missing the most.