Monday morning I woke up with an anxious feeling taking over my body. Monday afternoon I met with a psychologist for the first time. I wasn’t sure what to expect from my session or what I would get out of it; so all morning leading up to my appointment I kept thinking in my head what all I wanted to talk about. I had an hour to talk and I wanted to be sure to cover the most important things that are affecting my life right now.
Previously I had been attending a different counseling session and it just didn’t click with me, I wasn’t getting what I wanted out of it to have the urge and desire to go back. This time however I felt like I was given insight to help me deal with this trauma in my life. See when the psychologist said the word trauma, I hadn’t thought of what I have been through in that way. Trauma isn’t just a physical injury but its an emotional upset, an emotional response that happens when something unexpected and life altering takes place, just like what we have went through with the loss of Grayson.
One thing that hasn’t left my mind since my appointment yesterday was the psychologist saying we have to learn to grow through trauma that happens in our life. For me, the trauma in my life was unexpected, sudden, and quick. When trauma affects one’s life their body goes through a whirlwind of emotions both physically and emotionally. Although I cried probably 47 minutes of the 60 minute session I shared many thoughts, feelings, emotions, dreams, concerns, and fears with her and the whole time I kept replaying in my head that phrase, “we have to learn to grow through trauma.” As we were talking my mind was also trying to think of ways on how I am to grow through this trauma. How am I to grow as a person to continue on with my life as I am still severely missing and grieving the loss of my child.
One fear I shared with her was the fear I would never be truly happy again and that I fear losing another child, that I would wake up everyday and my daughter would see her mommy sad everyday of her life and see the worry in my eyes and I don’t want that for my sweet girl. I want to be able to give her just as much love, happiness and joy as I gave Grayson. And she said back to me, “One day you will be happy again. You may not see it now or even feel remotely close to being truly happy again, but one day you will be able to smile again and feel joy in your heart because of the time you did have with Grayson and the love and memories you shared with him. And when you see your sweet Graysie’s face for the first time your heart will fill with love just as it did the first time you laid eyes on Grayson.”
I cried as she spoke those words, because at that time in my heart I thought, how will I ever be happy again? I lost my child, how is anyone who loses a child supposed to be happy again? When you lose the biggest part of yourself and know that you will never get it back, how do you be happy?
Growing through trauma she said, starts with your attitude. Your mindset on how you want to live your life. We have a long life ahead of us. Right now we may want to spend our time laying in bed, aching to get out in the mornings, but one day we will get up and focus on the good things in our life, the things we want to cherish and remember and the things we look forward to. We may be hurting so incredibly bad right now, but one day we will see the light at the end of the tunnel and there will be a sliver of happiness.
See, what do we truly have to worry about in life? We can’t change what will happen when it happens, we have to live fully in the moment and be thankful for the time we are given. Worrying is something psychological. Worrying is mind over matter. We can either worry about things we can’t fix or we can focus on the things we can fix. I have always been a worrier. Heck I worry about things that haven’t even happened yet, and why? Why do I worry about things I can’t fix? I sadly can’t fix that I lost my child. If I could I would in a heartbeat. But what I can focus on is the new life that will be making its presence soon and the journey we have to start with our daughter. It’s easy to type this out, and don’t get me wrong worrying doesn’t just stop in a matter of minutes, I will always have a worrying part of me. I’m a mom, it’s natural to worry, but again we can focus on what causes us to worry in our lives.
One thing that keeps me going as I learn to grow through this trauma in my life, is that I can inspire others. Sometimes I ask myself how in the world can I inspire others when I am over here suffering and hurting so incredibly bad? What I have realized is being open and honest with this journey I am traveling in hopes that my story may touch the heart of one other person. I am still very much new in this journey, this journey I never in my life thought I would be traveling, but here I am sharing with you pieces of my life in hopes that you can better understand the mind of a mother who has lost her young child, and that if you ever come encounter with a bereaved parent you may know a little more of what we go through on a daily basis. Of course every parent and every situation is different, no two parents are alike, just as no two parents feelings are the same, but we are all in the same club together no matter the circumstance.
My husband is out of town for a few days and tonight I sent him a text and said my body was feeling a large amount of anxiety taking over, he Facetimed me and we chatted about life, and he said although we are the unlucky ones in this life, Grayson is the lucky one, but we have to continue to be the best parents and do our best to choose to be happy for our sweet Graysie even when we feel we can’t. We were so happy with Grayson and we want to give Graysie just that, happiness.
After I got off the phone with my husband I received a message from a friend and I hope she doesn’t mind I share her words here, because after that intense wave of emotions I went through her words hit at just the perfect time, and for her to say that Grayson is inspiring melted my heart, because just as my psychologist and I talked about yesterday that is the dream I seek for myself now, to inspire others, to make a larger impact through the trauma that my life has endured.
“I went in and kissed my boys one more time and thanked Grayson for reminding me not to get to overwhelmed with the big picture because my only concern needs to be making the most of the here and now. I know it doesn’t even make a small dent in the mountain that losing him has forced you to climb, but I do hope that knowing that he has changed me and made me a better mother does give you a little insight into what his “purpose” was and still is. I can’t even begin to understand how someone so little and so young can do so much! He continues to change people every single day….there are no words in our language for kids like him! “Larger than life” even in the most literal sense is far from what he really is. I know this might seem strange to some, but it’s the absolute truth: when I grow up, I want to be just like Grayson. Tears roll down my cheeks when I wonder if you have thought that you’d probably never hear those words because of how young he was when he was taken from you. I want you to know that no, he won’t ever have a son or another youngster who wants to be just like the adult version of him, but who he was and still is transcends age; he is inspiring. I hope one day that myself and my boys can be just. like. him. It is my sincerest intention to tell you this to validate just how far his life has reached.”
As I continue to grow through this stage of trauma in my life I wanted to share with you;
Eleven Things My Child’s Loss Has Taught Me:
- Live everyday as if it’s your last.
- Have faith that there is hope after every storm.
- Never take the littlest moments in life for granted.
- Forgive and forget.
- Spend more time with those you love.
- Don’t worry about the unimportant things in life.
- It’s okay to live each day minute by minute.
- You will cry in the most unexpected places at the most unexpected times, and it’s completely okay.
- People you never thought would leave an impact on your life do just at the right time.
- It’s okay to have fear and worry in your heart.
- Even though you feel as though there is no chance of ever being happy again, it is okay to smile and laugh.