I haven’t sat down and blogged for a month or so. It has been slightly crazy around here and I feel like I haven’t had a lot of time to sit and truly express myself in the right words. 

We survived the holidays, barely, and moved into our new home all within a month. The home where my children would grow up together and we would build everlasting memories on our 15 acres. I had so many exciting ideas for our new home for Grayson and Graysie. So much room for Grayson to play outside to run and be a kid. We wanted to get him a swing set this summer to play on and add a swing to the tree out back for him. I can hear his sweet laugh now going down the slide of the swing set and him going so fast his butt hits the ground and he gets up and goes down it again.

 As we get closer to meeting our second child I am definitely experiencing all the emotions because quite frankly I know that the day I have my daughter it won’t be like it should be. A special piece of us won’t be there. I have dreamed about the day Graysie would be born. I was so excited for Brent to bring Grayson in the room and meet his little sissy for the first time wearing his ‘big brother’ shirt. I can easily hear him saying sissy right now, but that won’t be happening. 

See I was supposed to be that mom. That mom with two kids. When Grayson and I would go to the store I would often catch myself watching mom’s with multiple children and think, that will soon be me. I would ponder how I would go to the store the first time with both of them. Would they be perfect little angels or would Grayson be wanting out of the cart and Graysie crying wanting to nurse and I try to figure out what to do at that point. I thought about what our first car ride with both kids would be like. Me sitting in the back between them both as Brent would be driving. I’ve thought about how Grayson would act once we got home and he realized his sissy would be staying for good and that now it would be mommy, daddy, bubby and sissy. 

Earlier this week I went to the grocery store and a mom had her two little kids in those ginormous car carts pulled up next to the bathroom where I was standing, waiting for the bathroom to finish being cleaned. The first thing that crossed my mind was the cart of all things. Grayson loved those carts and always wanted to ride in the “car cart”. The little girl was probably 2.5-3 and the little boy maybe 10 months. The little boy was fussing and the little girl needed to pee. The mom said let this lady who’s been waiting go ahead. I said no it’s fine to go ahead. They go into the big stall and I sneak in the one beside them. I heard the little girl go to the bathroom, the mom praised her for going and then asked her to stand there and put an arm over her brother who had just got his diaper changed while the mother went to the restroom. 

In my head the whole time I kept thinking that should be me here soon. The mom kept praising the little girl for being such a good big sister and that she was doing such a good job helping her with her little brother. I sat in the stall tears dripping down my face hearing her talk to her daughter. That was to be me talking to Grayson soon telling him how awesome of a big brother he is. 

I was to be that mom snapping pictures of both my kids piled on my lap once we arrived home from the hospital. The mom who paired her kid’s outfits to match for special occasions. I was to be that mom who would struggle at times to find balance with two children. It was going to be a new adventure for our family, and I had prayed for the day Grayson would get to be a big brother. Brent and I talked about it for a long time. We were so beyond excited to see Grayson with a sibling. 

Here we are soon to have our second child, who one day we may too talk about wishing she had a sibling to play with, because we should have two children here now. Our lives have forever changed and now the hopes and dreams I once dreamed about happening are different. I’ll always dream of what my life would be like with Grayson and Graysie and the friendship the two would build. I long for knowing what it would be like, and my heart aches knowing I’ll never know. 

It’s a weird feeling knowing I should have two children here with me here soon, instead I’ll have one. I’ve thought about it a lot lately and the times it was just Grayson and I. I always said I was so nervous for having two kids and how I would share that love between them both. How do you love your second child as much as you loved your first? You’ve been through labor and delivery with one child so how will the emotions and feelings be for your second? Will it be just as special as the first? Here I am thinking now it will be just me and Graysie going through the same steps I took with Grayson as my only child. 

I ache inside knowing life will always be different than I pictured because I was to be that mom with two children. Instead I will now be that mom who has to share with others who will ask if Graysie is my first baby because they don’t physically see my oldest. It’s one of the hardest questions I will forever be asked and I know I will be asked it more times this year than I can count, but I’ll always have two children, one in Heaven and one on Earth.