To my sweet Grayson,
I sit here on the eve of what would be your two and a half year birthday, tears falling down my face as they hit my chest wishing I was still living a dream I could wake up from. In the almost 6 months you have been gone, my heart has felt more emotion than I ever knew was possible for someone to go through. I cry because I miss you, I cry because I long for more time, I cry because I see pictures and videos that bring back so many precious memories, I cry because I feel so sorry I couldn’t do anything to make you better. I am your mommy and that’s my job and I couldn’t do anything and it hurts my heart so incredibly much.
In the short time you’ve been gone, I feel like I’ve lived my life in a daze. I do what I have to do to get through the day. I look at your pictures over and over again and when my heart can take it I watch videos of you to bring a smile to my face, often times ending in a downpour of tears. I pray everyday for you and as I go about my days I look for signs to know that you are here and that you know I am thinking of you always. I still don’t know why this happened and I wish I had answers for everything, but sadly I don’t. You’d think there would be an answer to everything in life, but there isn’t.
I so wish you could be here right now to see your little sister. To see how beautiful she is and how much she reminds us of you, but I know you already know. I wish you two could grow up together and be the best of friends. I couldn’t wait for you both to officially meet, it’s something I dreamed about from the time we found out your sissy was in my belly. I knew you were going to be an amazing big brother. I can’t wait to show Graysie all the pictures and videos of you and tell her all about you and how funny you were. I can’t wait to show her all of your toys and share your favorite shows with her. I can’t wait for her to wear your clothes and her be proud she’s wearing one of bubby’s shirts.
Two and a half. Had I know I’d only have 2 years and 17 days with you I would have never slept and spent every waking second with you. I just long so bad to hear your sweet voice, see you smile, and feel your touch.
Although the days are incredible hard without you, I smile and thank God for allowing me to be your mommy. You made me a mommy. You made me the woman I am today. You changed my life and made me the happiest I had ever been in my entire life. You gave my life purpose and meaning and everyday I lived for you. I did everything in my power everyday to make sure you were happy, to be sure you smiled and enjoyed everyday of your life. I hope I did just that.
I can’t believe this is the turning point of you getting closer to 3. It’s such a small number and it rips me into pieces knowing I have to write many more of these, because no one should be gone at 2.
Mommy loves you more than you will ever know. I hope today, you eat a big bowl of ice cream, one of your favorites, to celebrate turning 2.5 because that’s what we would be doing if you were here. You are always on my mind, always, and you will forever be in my heart.
I love you Grayson.