Have you ever just woke up one morning, not even fully out of bed, you sit up and think to yourself my God how am I going to make it through the day.
Sadly that happens often here. Our littlest is cutting teeth and sleeping horribly which means little sleep for mom, or I should say sporadic broken sleep followed by a sleep pattern that is still messed up from daylight savings time, that crap needs to stop by the way. I’m sure we will finally get it figured out then the time will change again.
I’m one who needs like a solid 12 hours of good sleep, but really I can’t tell you the last time that’s happened. I’m lucky to get a solid 2 hours straight. Let’s face it, Graysie nurses on demand so when she’s hungry she eats and when a tooth bothers her the crying kicks in.
Anyway I’m tired. I’ve been tired physically and emotionally. Incase you aren’t aware grieving seriously wears you out. I remember telling my mom after Grayson passed away that I was physically so tired. Given I was pregnant, but grieving itself is exhausting, seriously I sleep at night and by morning I’m already tired and I think, how am I going to get through the day, keep up with Graysie and do things that need to be done?
Which leads me to the next thing. I’m irritable, grumpy and overwhelmed. What am I overwhelmed about you ask, I have no clue. What am I grumpy about? The littlest of things. Irritable, say something I don’t want to hear and it will probably set me off. For the most part I feel like I have always been a nice genuine person. I will say child loss has changed me. I’m not the same person I used to be. I wish I was, but I’m not. I don’t want to say I’m bipolar, but I’m sure my husband may think that at times. It’s truly the littlest things that don’t mean a hoot that set me off.
The past 3-4 months have truly been extremely hard for me. I cry often and before it was easy for me to talk about things, see things, etc. that was about Grayson and now you may catch me crying at just the thought of his name. (Que the tears now.)
Life for many has moved on. People working, attending their children’s sporting events, preparing for the Holidays, etc., here I am wishing time for just 2 minutes would stop. Wishing that time of 2 minutes would clear my foggy mind to just think clearly long enough for me to remember the smell of Grayson, the texture of his hair, the smoothness of his skin, the touch of his hands. Like sometimes I want to scream at the top of my lungs and just be like “shut up, stop, don’t move, don’t breath, just stand there.” Give me that few seconds to come to my senses.
Life doesn’t stand still. It keeps moving even on the hard days. I’ve become extra sensitive, but talking and thinking of Grayson is still my favorite thing along side taking care of his sister.
Know that even on the hard days when you think you will never make it to hit the pillow and close your eyes only to wake up tired again. There’s always tomorrow, another day we get to think about, talk about and remember our precious Angels. The day may bring episodes of overwhelming anxiety, stress and foggy minds, but remember your not alone.
I’m not sure where exactly this post was going or if it was going anywhere, but that’s what this blog is for. For me to write and share what’s on my mind. So there’s that.