It’s been a minute or two since I’ve actually had time to write. Although I find myself driving a lot and saying aloud things I need to write, and I eventually pull out my handy iPhone and type what’s on my mind in my notes app. You’d be surprised how many posts I’d have up if I’d take the time to type up all my notes.
The past few months has been an exciting, emotional and nervous time for our family. We recently found out, well 9.5 weeks ago we found out we are expecting baby #3!
You can imagine how much joy and happiness that brings families, expecting a new baby! It of course brought us an abundance of joy, but it too brings along a who new set of fears.
We, like any other family, just want a happy healthy baby. I feel I speak for many moms when I say, that the nervousness of being pregnant doesn’t go away until the baby is here and you can hear that soft sweet cry. Even after every appointment that goes perfect you fear of something happening prior to that 40 week mark. I think it’s all part of being a mom, but even dad’s too can feel that sense of nervousness.
Once you lose a child, your life is on guard for fear every day. You want to be sure you do every single thing right to protect your living children.
Brent and I have already had the conversation many times the past 2 months of our feelings being pregnant and welcoming our 3rd child. We are elated and can’t wait for Graysie to be a big sister, but as Brent says he’s nervous and will be nervous until they are at least five. I’m sure he will be nervous forever, but five must be his number to maybe calm his nerves some, I’m not sure.
I’ve already had numerous people message me asking how I am feeling and how I am feeling about welcoming another baby amongst the continued heartache.
I thank those who have reached out. I may not post pictures of me crying or having an emotional breakdown on social media, but the heartache is very much still there. I still cry often in my own time and Grayson is still very much on my mind every second of everyday. Every thing I do Grayson and Graysie are on the top of my mind.
Earlier this week I had a friend from out of town reach out to me and share that she was expecting. She too has experienced the loss of child from a very similar experience. She asked me how I felt when I found out I was pregnant and we talked about how I essentially kept going when Grayson passed as I was 17 weeks pregnant with Graysie. Experiencing the loss of a child while pregnant is incredibly difficult and there are days I look back and I truly don’t know how I made it. I really don’t.
Although we have now entered a new season of life, again having a child present with us and pregnant again, I now fear a similar experience. I hate to ever think of anything happening to my children, but it scares me to death to even remotely go through losing a child again.
When I reach that 17 week mark how will I feel? I couldn’t wait for Grayson to be a big brother and as I took my weekly pictures while pregnant with Graysie the last weeks pictures I took prior to Grayson getting sick he was in them with me. It rips a hole in your stomach thinking back to those days. It still doesn’t even feel real.
We talked about how over time amongst the sadness you learn to find joy. Even though your sad and you don’t possibly think you could ever be happy there will be some joy. I remember asking myself how will I ever be happy? How can I love a new baby and be so happy she’s here when I’m still grieving the loss of her brother. And in all honestly I don’t think there’s really a good answer. Your body, heart and mind bring about that joy even when you don’t feel you can. Your heart knows when it need to find joy. Graysie brought us so much joy that I thought we would never ever see again. She brings us so much joy today despite the continued sadness I feel in my heart.
We can continue to show happiness to our children here on Earth without them seeing the sadness we may feel daily. I know I don’t want Graysie seeing me suffer everyday, crying and just genuinely unhappy with life. I want her to see a mom that keeps fighting. A mom that is strong despite the heartache she’s been through. I want her to know that although life after loss is incredibly indescribable to others, that life can go on and it should go on. I would never want to strip the happiness from her or her expecting sibling.
We are very excited to welcome a new little one to our family. We know Graysie will be an amazing big sister and that Grayson will continue to look down and be the best Guardian Angel to his siblings. In my heart that gives me such ease knowing they can always count on him to be watching out for them.
So despite the heartache, the overflowing nervousness and the fear to move on, try to find joy in new life no matter the season of life you are in. A new life can only bring more hope and joy to a family that still hurts from the numbness of loss.