As milestones approach every year the pain and heartache that you feel like you just slowly mended, yet never healed from, comes back and digs deeper into your heart leaving you feeling breathless, emotional, confused and anxious.

Some days I feel as if time has stood still and while you all are living your lives, moving at a normal life’s pace I’m over here stuck on the fact I just celebrated my son’s 2nd birthday. For me, that’s all I remember. I remember my son at two. I don’t know my son at five. My first baby is 5. I never got to see life with him at 3 or 4.

However 5…half a decade. For some reason I knew this year would be hard. Turning 5 is like a milestone in itself. You go from being a toddler to a big kid, whom we should be sending off to kindergarten this year.

I can only imagine what you’d look like at 5. How you would sound when you talk. What your favorite movies and games would be. I can picture how much fun you and your sister would be having and I know how sweet and caring you would be to your brother.

I imagine just how tall you’d be, how much you would love to be outside. I can still picture you with your perfect blue eyes and perfectly cut fade, cut by your dad.

I just can’t accept the fact my baby is 5! I think everyday how everything I’ve learned as a mother was first taught to me by you.

Every new road of life I’ve traveled thus far in my journey without you, has lead me right back to you.

I often catch myself thinking of ways my life has changed and transformed. The way I now look at life. It has a new meaning because of you.

When I’m at the grocery store and I see certain foods, I think of you.

When I’m playing with your sister and she says, “build a big tower with me” I think of you.

When I see your brothers blonde hair cut like yours, I think of you.

As I’m driving down the road and a song comes on, I think of you.

I could go on and on with life’s daily activities that make me think of you.

Everyday my heart aches not being able to live this life with you. To see you grow up, make choices and decisions on your own. I ache for the memories we will never get to share together and as a family.

Every aspect of this life has guided me right back to you. Every thought, every feeling, every memory. I’m always brought back to you.

I never thought we would be spending your 5th birthday this way. I had way better plans. This is unfair and if I could change it all, I would in a heartbeat.

I only hope you have the most incredible day. Five is big my boy. I love you so incredibly much it literally hurts.

With all my love,

Mom